Updates about us and how I feel about all of it:

Joshua is still in the Army, and is stationed in South Korea. I miss him terribly but am surviving here at home. I even am checking the fluids in van, even the tranny fluid. LOL

Andy is 19 now and in college full time, and he has a girlfriend. I am still getting used to that idea. She is real nice, though and I like her. Most of the time, except when she acts like she knows everyhting and tells me how to do something that I have been doing just fine for all of my adult years. Then I get a little pissed off. For instance the other day she was talking about how her mom folds socks and acted like it was how I should do it, too... excuse me!? I think I know how to fold socks. Ok, I know that bugged me a bit and maybe even too much, but it is just little things like that that get to me. She is also very good in English and likes to correct grammar, etc... UGH! Another thing that bugs me. She also tends to let Andy do first with everything, like fixing his dinner plate and he walks ahead of her. Is that because she feels insecure and needs to let him lead or what? I asked Andy if he was in Iran or something and she had to walk behind him and he said "no." Ok, so I don't know why, but it bugs me. I am such a feminist so things that even look remotely non-feminist bother me. Otherwise she is a really nice girl and I think she and Andy make a nice couple and I only wish for them to be happy. I taught her how to make my meatloaf the other day. I know Andy does not like any other meatloaf besides mine and my SIL, Cathy's, so I figure she should know how to make it. She wanted to know anyway. I do worry about grandbabies, since I don't think either of them are ready for that responsibility but I wouldn't mind being a grandma either. They are using protection so I guess I will have to trust them on this.

As far as myself, I am in school and feeling very inferior there... in a few classes. I am failing one class and not doing so good in another. Maybe I should not have taken these classes. I will have to probably retake one of them. Unfortunately it will be the same teacher and I do NOT like her. I am also taking a correspondence course that I have not done diddly in. I guess I need to get crackin' on that as well. I am so ready to drop out of school. Part of me wants to and part of me wants to stay and say, "See, I can finish what I start." I am just such a runner and this is another of my ways to run from stuff. I need to stay put and actually finish this.

I am listening to Christmas music right now and loving it. I sing right along with the music and it makes me feel good.

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow." LOL

It is suppose to snow this weekend. I actually could handle at least 3 or 4 feet of snow. I think I would like to see that.

What Matters Most
by Oriah Mountian Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't intrest me what planets are squaring you. I want to know if you hvae touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know id you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from it's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and dispair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me whom you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I am



1st Stanza

I am resourceful and intelligent.

I wonder where I will be in 5 years.

I hear the wheels in my head squeaking as they turn and turn.

I see walls being broken down.

I want to have a stable and secure future.

I am resourceful and intelligent.



2nd Stanza

I pretend everything is okay when actually it is not.

I feel the earth shifting under my feet.

I touch the sun with my hair.

I worry about how our world will change with this war.

I cry when I think about my kids leaving me in the dust, of being forgotten.

I am resourceful and intelligent.



3rd Stanza

I understand that I am but one person in a sea of many.

I say that nothing is as it seems.

I dream of having grandkids some day and spoiling them.

I try to listen to all sides of an arguement and not to be judgemental.

I hope that I can help others.

I am resourceful and intelligent.

My Mother

I’ve been thinking about my mom and the kind of woman she was. I want to be like her. Let me share with you what she was like.

My mom was a very kind person, one who would give the shirt off her back to a stranger. I don’t think she had a selfish bone in her body and was always ready and willing to give whatever was needed by anyone. I remember a little boy in our neighborhood who was about 5 years old and his mom would lock him outside in the morning and he had no way of getting back in for food or to use the bathroom or anything. My mom took him in every day and made sure he was fed, clean, and all of his needs were taken care of. I was a teenager then and I saw how my mom cared for those she didn’t even know. In today’s lifestyles we would be calling social services on the mom but my mom took care of this boy and made sure he was safe and she talked to his mom, doing her own social services kind of work. How many of us would be willing to make that sacrifice today?

My mom was also a very spiritual person. She read her Bible every day and she lived a Christian life. She held Bible studies with us, her children, as well as with those who wanted to know more about the Bible. She was a dedicated Christian.

That was not all my mom did that makes me want to emulate her. She had a good sense of humor and her laughter was heard all through the neighborhood. My mom loved board games and every free moment (between chores, whatever) she would play a game with us. She especially like Yahtzee and when she got a Yahtzee every one would know. She got so excited about it. One of her other favorite games was Cribbage and we would play it while eating an informal dinner (when Dad was at work). Those were the good ol’ days.

My mom really wasn’t a very good dinner type of cook, but she made the best desserts. She taught me how to make my Grandma’s secret fudge and to this day I make that fudge for special occasions, or even when I just want some fudge. (That sounds good, think I’ll make some today.) My mom could make a mean pie or cake. When she made pie she would always use the leftover crust and make little jelly filled turnovers for us kids. She would always involve us kids in her baking projects. We would get all flour covered and sticky but that was the fun part of baking….just being with her in the kitchen was reward enough for most of us. Those are the things I remember most about her baking.

My mom has gone on to a better place and has been gone for over 5 years now, but I feel her with me every day. I want to make her proud and be just like her.

Today is Feb 11.

I am remembering my sister, who would be 52 today, only she lost her life in 1988. I really miss her. She and I were not friends as kids. I had come along and took her spot as "baby" and we fought all the time. I remember when I was 10 and had come into "womanhood" (yes, I was very young) and she kept saying there was no way I could, and she harassed me every month, til she moved out (a year later). She was abused by my dad, he hit her more than he should have. But Pam had a defiant attitude, and was independent. Sometimes I think she "asked" for it, although I don't believe in hitting kids, so I guess I think she may have asked for discipline, but punishment with a belt was more than she deserved. Pam and I were not friends really until I was an adult. I used to babysit her two oldest daughters when I was a teen, but still we were not really friends. When I got pregnant with Josh, and was not married she is the first person in my family that I told. When I moved in with my brother Tim, in South Dakota, and she was in Michigan, we wrote to each other, til I found a letter she wrote to my brother and I was nosy...and realized she thought of me as being "flighty." I was very hurt by that. I refused to write to her anymore. Of course, we got over it, and we were friends again after that. Josh wore all of her son's hand-me-downs and as adults and moms we had a lot to compare. She is the one I went to when I had questions about Josh's development. Pam was definitely my "big" sister whom I looked up to.

When she was hit by that drunk driver, in October 1987, she lost a great deal of her ability to do things. She passed out easily, was not allowed to drive for a long time afterwards and could not be left alone for long periods of time. The accident had caused a great deal of nerve damage. Not long after that, though, was my marriage to Greg. Pam was my Matron of Honor and her daughter Jodi was my flower girl. Josh was the Best Man, at 7 yrs of age. And believe me, he was the best man there. Pam and her girls decorated the church for my shower and the wedding. She made all of the decorations herself, even little matchboxes with lace on them and little hearts that said "Sande & Greg, Feb 14, 1988." Pam was so creative, always making something new. She even made my wedding invitations on her computer. She was a great Calligrapher and made so many things for my wedding with her beautiful calligraphy. The last pictures I have of Pam were from my wedding.

When Josh's b'day come the following month and he had chicken pox, and we had to cancel his roller skating party, Pam had a little party at her house for Josh...just her kids (all 5) and mine (just 2). She always remembered what was important.

On May 3, 1988, she was at a bowling banquet, for she was a great bowler, and frequently got 300's and had a lot of trophies from bowling. Anyway, as she was there, she passed out from asphixiation, when she was in the bathroom, vomiting. No one found her for 15 minutes and she was rushed to the hospital, was pronounced DOA as she got there, BUT one of the nurses (who happened to be someone I went to church with) saw the heart monitor start to beep, so Pam was revived, but she never regained consciousness. Her brain was dead. So, on May 5th, 1988, after a family discusion, her plugs were pulled. My sister, whom I had just begun to know and love was gone.

She left five children ages 3-15. And many family members and friends who loved her so much.

I still miss Pam to this day and tears are shed now even, as I write this.